Episode 4: Dockside Drama & Analytics

They each had a pair of night vision goggles designed by the finest optometrists in the Swiss alps, and with these, our heroes, The Contentinators®, surveyed the layout before them, as if it were illuminated by many suns. Like any good content marketing agency (and they considered themselves the best for a reason), they came prepared with many tools for any job.

The docks were milling about with activity, but none of it was targeted and directed particularly well: telltale signs of poor organization they’d seen before out of Deceptor Marketing. Sleuth had already pockmarked the perimeter of the of the dockside lair with bugs; no one had noticed.

“What are they saying?” Captain Content whispered. He motioned at two Deceptor henchmen wandering around near the edge of the water, across the small lake from which The Contentinators had positioned themselves (visibility, or lack thereof, always being a prime asset).

“Hold on, let me focus my acoustics,” Sleuth mumbled.

“Is that paper they’re throwing in the lake?” Engage said. “We don’t even own any, do we?”

A light crackle came from Sleuth’s portable speakers, then clearing up, they could hear the bugs pick up the voices of the two henchmen:

Henchman #1: “Boss says to always saturate the market with mailers. Even for fish.”

Henchman #2: “Fish are like people, boss says. They respond to clutter.”

Henchman #1: “Yeah, cluttered fish tanks are the best. Throw more mailers in the lake.”

Henchman #2: “We’re almost out.”

Henchman #1: “Good. Boss says it doesn’t matter what quality your content is, just that you produce a ton of it.“

Captain Content smashed the plastic speakers with a swift elbow; he’d heard enough of this nonsense. Poor content marketing advice made his brain swell and his mighty heart ache. He shifted his focus through the windows of the main warehouse along the dock; it was brightly lit but seemed to contain nothing of interest: Deceptor HQ, no doubt.

“Do we have a visual on The Curator yet?” he asked.

“Right there,” Sleuth synced the focus of all three of The Contentinators goggles to a spot through a large bay window near the end of the warehouse. And just as Doctor Deceptor had said on the phone, he was indeed tied up and being slowly lowered into a vat of spam mail. Pure madness.

“Let’s take action,” Engage said.

Wordlessly, all three of the heroes made their way to the front door of the warehouse. Captain Content dove in and swam across the lake: the quickest way to any one point was a straight line; simple focus was his key. Sleuth had created a winged contraption and flew, much like an osprey, calmly across the lake. Engage simply walked around the edge of the docks: none of the henchmen dared question her.

When they arrived at the door, they nodded, then kicked it in as a team.

Inside the warehouse, the scene became instantly more chaotic and uncoordinated at the sight of our heroes: more like wandering love bugs than synchronized honeybees.

Henchman wiggled out of tiny windows and hid behind stacks of mail-order brochures that didn’t even have the proper postage.

The Curator grinned at the sight of his friends: “Was wondering when you’d be here. Didn’t want you guys to miss the party.” He then ripped through the poorly made twine they seemed to have him tied up with ease, and started firing off emails on his phone packed like Peruvian limes with analytics. Of course, he had been playing possum: Deceptor Marketing didn’t have the power to hold The Curator.

And reunited, The Contentinators become a finely-tuned content marketing agency immediately. Throwing high-quality blogs at henchman, instantly spreading the word on social media of Deceptor’s location, and, yeah, maybe some kicking and punching, too.

Then, standing from high atop a stack of PC monitors from the mid-90s, Doctor Deceptor appeared, shroud in blue, his cape aflutter.

 

“There’s always more, Contentinators,” he shrieked. “Poorly written and slowly delivered content will spread through this city like a plague. I’ll define marketing.”


With that, he leapt from those dusty monitors, and crashed through a window, escaping into the night sky. The henchman had cleared out, and our heroes had won the battle, but not yet the war. A sliver of the distant gossamer rising sun cut into the warehouse, and another day on the frontlines of SEO optimization bloomed.